"A Minecraft Movie" is peak white-ish identity.

Black Panther + Rocky Horror Picture Show = "A Minecraft Movie"

In Part I of this review, I share my intellectual Jungian analysis of the archetypal metanarratives within A Minecraft Movie, with reference to great works of literature such as the Book of Judges, the Ramayana, the Iliad and the Odyssey, and the Mahabharata.

But this time, it’s personal.

Before I saw the Minecraft movie, I was on the verge of ending it all. I was evicted.¹ I got my seventh (inconclusive) medical test result to diagnose my “IBS,” whatever that is. Medical bills piling up, friendships lost, and then, in the middle of my 40 hour Sissy Hypnosis gooning session, I spilled water on my laptop. The screen froze and it hasn’t turned on since. So I bought a new laptop for $200. Financially, my life is a nightmare.²

I thought to myself,

“Why did I even buy this laptop? No one cares if I write this stupid blog. I guess this is the best I have to show the world — a silly little blog that no one takes seriously. Maybe I should go back to being a corporate slave. Maybe I don’t matter. Maybe my life is worthless.”

Then, I watched the Minecraft movie.

The rumors are true. The Minecraft Movie experience is unlike anything I have ever seen. I’m not talking about the movie itself, which is a fairly unremarkable combination of Napoleon Dynamite, Harry Potter, and Lord of the Rings. No, I’m talking about the movie experience. The audience. The audience is the experience.

I once went to see Don’t Mess With the Zohan with my black friend in a black neighborhood. I was not prepared for the level of audience interaction. People were talking on their cellphones during the movie. When they laughed at jokes, they didn’t just laugh quietly, they were basically screaming and yelling at the movie. It was an alienating experience. No offense, but I was a bit overwhelmed.

White people have come up with this fake diagnosis of “autism” which they use to excuse racism. “No, no, it’s not that I think black people are loud and annoying! It’s just that I’m autistic, and I get over-stimulated!”

I’m sure 1% of the population is actually autistic, but misophonia isn’t exclusive to autistic people. Plenty of people find it uncomfortable when others are having a good time, but they are not. It makes you feel lonely.

If you have played Minecraft for more than 10 hours of your life, you owe it to yourself to go see the Minecraft movie.

I have only seen two other films in theaters in the last six years: The Joker, and The Northman. The Joker was a “well made” film, but it made me feel hopeless and accelerated my downward decline into depression. The Northman was ok.

The only films comparable to the Minecraft movie are Black Panther and Rocky Horror Picture Show. Black Panther is for black people to feel good about themselves. Rocky Horror Picture show is for gay people and women. A Minecraft Movie is for straight-ish white-ish men (middle school boys).

When black people saw Black Panther, they got up during the movie and started crossing their arms, yelling “Wakanda Forever!” When queer people see Rocky Horror Picture Show, they start saying whatever gay stuff you’re supposed to say when you watch that. When straight-ish white-ish men watch A Minecraft Movie, they say, “CHICKEN JOCKY!!!”

Since I was a kid, whenever Hollywood wanted to insert racial diversity, they would always include a cool black guy before anyone else. Will Smith was the go-to cool black guy. He was a cop, or a scientist, or the Prince of Bel-Air. He was often times the only person of color in the entire film. There are many films that do this, like Predator.

Conan the Barbarian did this in a funny way, where there was some kind of central-Asian Tatar-looking guy as the sidekick, and Thulsa Doom was black.

You need 4,000 points in Ethnoguessr for the guy on the right.

The actor who played the “Mongolian” in Conan was Gerry “Mr. Pipeline” Lopez. When asked why he “couldn’t just get an actual Asian guy to play the Mongolia,” The director reportedly said:

“Well technically, Genghis Khan was a descendant of Ancient North Eurasian Siberians, who are much closer, genetically speaking, to Amerindians than they are to Han Chinese.”

Ok, he didn’t say that, but you get the point. Most of the time when movies before 2010 inserted diversity, they usually started with masculine male roles, and kept the women blonde and beautiful.

See racial swaps like:

• Black Snape

• Black Spiderman

• Literally every buddy cop movie with a white older cop and a black younger cop

• Potentially Idris Elba as James Bond (not sure if that’s been decided, stay tuned)

Recently, there’s also been a trend of switching out white women for black women. See Zendaya as the main attractive love interest in Dune.

A Minecraft Movie could have easily gone for either of these options. They either could have picked a leading black man to be a badass alpha male fighter, or they could have picked a beautiful non-white woman to be Henry’s guardian. Or they could have done the Wolverine or Gran Torino thing, where an older white guy becomes the mentor of a young non-white guy.

Henry could have easily been black or Hispanic.

Instead, they inserted a black woman into the film. Which is extremely funny.

Regarding the theatrical audience, there probably were a few black women there out of the 100+ members. But they were all the kind that look like this:

You know, the ones who actively signal that they date non-black men and that rap music isn’t their favorite musical genre. You know the type. The white-ish black girls.

My Experience

So I bought a ticket. That was a mistake. There was no one checking tickets, and you could just walk into the theater, no questions asked. I think the $11.25 ticket price is basically a tax on moralists who are afraid to break the rules.

I was on time. That was also a mistake. The previews dragged on for 20 minutes.

I forgot how cold movie theaters can get. But somehow the temperature began rising as time went on. Maybe it was my own internal temperature heating up to the excitement in the room. Maybe it was the energy of 100 screaming teenage boys.

I have only been to two concerts in my life, and one football game. I’ll tell you what: there was more energy in this theater than either of those. The audience was on fire. It was a rock concert. It was magical.

People came to watch the movie multiple times. One guy brought a custom homemade minecraft chest made out of cardboard to eat his popcorn out of. A very smart way to sneak food from home into the theater — claim to be an autistic man who needs to bring his homemade minecraft chest into the film, or else he will start screaming. Genius.

Although blonde people were portrayed negatively in this film, I saw a lot of young blonde men in the audience. I regret not seeing the film earlier in the day, because it was a bit late for the Middle School crowd, and the theater wasn’t that packed. I’m sure if I went at 5pm we could have started a riot and burnt the theater down or something.

Here were the moments that got the loudest laughs and claps (I stopped counting after a while):

• “Flint and steel!”

• *entering the nether for the first time*

• Natalie looking at a piggie bank from her mom (not sure why this funny, but everyone laughed)

• “My dad said math has been debunked” (making fun of Qanon conspiracy theorists)

• “I… am STEVE”

• Crushing loaf

• The audience did not call out “full set,” which I’ve noticed got some play in clips online

• Crafting table

• “Water bucket… RELEASE!”

• CHICKEN JOCKEY — people gave a standing ovation for this line, I am not joking. There were a significant number of attractive young blondes in the audience, by the way. These guys dragged their girlfriends to the movie, and got up to clap for the line, “chicken jockey.”

• “First we’ll mine, then we’ll craft. LET’S MINECRAFT!”

On my second viewing, I also noticed:

• Garrett trying to sell Andrew Tate masculinity lessons for $50 an hour to Henry

• and the Vice Principle (Jennifer Coolidge) looks like a washed-up 80s porn star

Conclusion.

If there is a sequel, and they don’t deliberately ruin it (like Joker 2)³, it will be awesome. It will make a lot of money. I can’t wait.

If there was a new Minecraft movie every weekend, I would go. Heck, if they just re-ran the same movie over and over again, I would still go, if the audience was this excited.

As I’ve mentioned before, I am some kind of autistic misanthropic anti-social cretin who abhors basic human interaction. I do not like parties. I do not like concerts.⁴ I don’t like football games. Every single friend I have at this point is from the internet. While I value these friendships, and I have enjoyed long hours playing in the sunny ocean and hiking snow-capped mountains, I am just not a person who could ever imagine going to a mass mainstream social event and enjoying it.⁵

That is, until the Minecraft movie.

I don’t like things like Dungeons and Dragons or Pokemon. There’s a nerd shop in town where ugly fat polyamorous trans thruples get together to play these games, and while I am happy that they are enjoying their little dice and their little cards, it’s not my thing. I’m a lot like Garrett from this film: rude, somewhat athletic but also somewhat washed-up and getting older, fundamentally a nerd, but also the kind of guy to bully other nerds for being nerds and to sort of hate and resent people who are too nerdy.

Maybe because I secretly always wanted to be the jock, but it was always just barely out of reach…

Minecraft is in this perfect sweet spot where it’s normal enough, but also strange enough. I don’t think I’d enjoy watching a movie about Call of Duty, but I really enjoyed A Minecraft Movie.

Before I walked into the theater, I opened the door for a guy with long hair. I also have long hair. As a man, if you grow out long hair, and you’re not really well-dressed, and you don’t work out, it basically means you’ve given up on life. I asked him, “going to see the Minecraft movie?” He said, “how could you tell?” I didn’t say to him, “well it looks like we’ve both given up on life, and we’re both white guys showing up on time.” But we had a silent understanding between us.

There was nothing homogenous about the audience. It wasn’t nationalistic or exclusionary. The theme of the film was about looking down on stupid bullies and valuing intelligence, openness, creativity, and interpretive dance. It was not a film for chuds. But it was very white-ish and straight-ish.

Going forward, I expect white-ish straight-ish people to flock more and more to this sort of thing: not Christian, not Qanon, not Trump cultism, not “America First Traditionalist Catholicism,” but Vermontese techno-art hoeism.

They forced the woman in this film to be hot, against her will. They made her wear an ankle-length skirt. Is this liberal sharia?

How she looked in the film, and how she chooses to dress in real life. Fellas?

Donald Trump is not deporting 10 million illegal immigrants. He is not going to achieve net zero migration. JD Vance won’t either. White demographic decline will continue, and an explicitly pro-white identitarian movement will never gain popular support in America. It hasn’t even gained popular support in South Africa, where whites are a persecuted minority, supposedly. If South African whites can’t unite as a race, despite all being members of the same Calvinist sect, America whites certainly won’t either.

But still, straight-ish white-ish men are going to increasingly find themselves getting fired up over innocuous examples of implicit white identity. “White Boy Summer” was all about having sex with black women, or something, but it was still something. White guys for Harris was a fail, but it was something.⁶ Liberal and centrist whites are going to find new ways to celebrate their own unique way of life outside of the MAGA chud-jerk-circle. White culture exists. That doesn’t mean we need to be hateful about it, and it doesn’t justify domestic terrorism.

“We” don’t even need to define “we” in order for there to be a “we.” Who is white? If Canelo Alvarez can be Hispanic, why can’t Keanu Reeves be white? Why can’t Obama be white?

Whiteness is a choice. Some are born into it, others adopt it. It’s the most white-presenting people of color, like Ta-Nehisi Coates, who must incessantly signal their black nationalism, because they have internalized white guilt!

Tell me this isn’t a white man trapped in a black skin-suit.

I’m saying this as a cultural commentator, not a political activist. I’m not trying to get white people to be proud of their race. I’m not afraid of white genocide. And I don’t think most normal, middle-class white people will ever care about those things — not enough to actually form a political bloc in the way that black people have (historically, although that’s now changing).

I’m simply observing that white people will express themselves in a different way from others, even if that expression is something innocent or inoffensive, like A Minecraft Movie. And non-whites are welcome to join the expression, so long as they wear fishnets and show up on time. It’s a culture, not an ideology.

1. I have been kicked out of 109 houses, but I swear it was not my fault.

2. It’s a quote from the movie, people. The art teacher says it when he introduces himself to the class. It’s a joke. We call that an “inside joke.” Calm down. I haven’t started my Go-Fund-Me campaign yet, everything is fine.

3. I love Lady Gaga, but a rape scene? Come on.

4. Except EDM, which I put in another category, as “festivals,” but I’ve only attended one in Europe, never America.

5. I think this is a genetic characteristic on my part, because there are family members I never met until adulthood who have expressed the same attitudes to me. We shared no part of our upbringing together.

6. Technically more white people voted for Harris than Biden (in percentage terms), so it was a success, just not enough of a success. Also, it was white women who swung toward Harris, not white men.