Thoughts on depression.

Depression is rooted in moral beliefs.

If depression was motivating, it would be good. But when I feel depressed, I don't want to do anything. When I feel good, energized, proud, in a fighting spirit, I am productive.

When I am depressed, it is because I believe that I deserve to be depressed. Maybe I feel guilty or ashamed. Depression is a way of punishing myself. But I wonder if questioning these underlying beliefs would allow for a different perspective.

1. Being depressed is not working. It is not making anything better or fixing the situation.

2. All actions are a result of a pattern of beliefs. “I suck” is a belief. The resulting action is to stay inside and do nothing. The resulting feeling is depression.

3. New, alternative ideas feel inherently “wrong.” The idea that “I am cool” seems fake. Even if I truly was cool, I have many rational reasons to be skeptical of new ideas. New ideas are scary, because they introduce hope, and hope introduces the possibility of disappointment. It is safer to remain self-hating, so that I can’t ever disappoint myself.

4. Openness to trying new things and openness to failing is necessary for change. This is the essence of courage.

I act the way I do, in part, because of my beliefs. Therefore, if I want to change the way I act, it is necessary, in part, to change my beliefs.

alternatives.

What is the opposite of depression? Activity, enjoyment, fun. One way of framing this spectrum is to put depression on one end, and “hedonism” at the other end.

1. I can be depressed; do nothing; achieve nothing; be a bad person.

2. I can be hedonistic; selfish; do things for myself; enjoy porn or drugs or alcohol or partying; but still be a bad person.

This is a lose-lose paradigm. What is beginning to be revealed in the phrase “bad person” is the following:

My depression is deeply rooted in specific moral beliefs.

Doing nothing is immoral; but also, being a hedonist is immoral. If those are the only two options, then I have no escape from immorality, and I deserve to be punished. I punish myself with depression.

I imagine that there must be a third option: working hard so that I can serve other people that I care about.

If my purpose is only to serve myself (hedonism), then when I fail, I lose my purpose. Purpose is found in serving others.

It is scary to try to serve others, because what if I fail and let them down? It would be extremely painful and embarrassing. It would make me feel guilty to let others down. Isn’t it safer to do nothing and remain depressed?

If I was fearless, how would I connect with people? Aren’t there millions of lonely people on the internet with zero human interaction? I’m skeptical of the idea that my problems are unique. That’s why I’m sharing them.

Isolation, lack of connection, alienation, inability to relate with other people — these are common issues that most people experience at one point or another. I am a person in the real world, and my experience is shared by other people in the real world.

Sometimes my desire to be unique and special inflates my problems and my depression. “No one knows what it’s like to be me! I am the most depressed person in the world! I am the anti-hero!” This is a Jesus-Christ-martyr complex: I become moral by being persecuted by the world. It is a very passive form of narcissism.

I still want to be unique, but I don’t want to derive my sense of uniqueness from my depression. Not having depression wouldn’t erase my uniqueness.

In fact, my true uniqueness lies in my strengths, not in my problems. All my problems are actually very old and have been confronted by millions of people for millennia. Some people overcome those challenges, and those people should be my mentors.

There are many self-help gurus out there. I have even tried to be one of them! (ridiculous, right?) They range the spectrum from very surface level and superficial (Tony Robbins) to very spiritual and deep (Eckhart Tolle). Yet when I feel depressed, they all seem fake.

I have this deep sense of being cut off from the rest of humanity. This feeling has nothing to do with external circumstances, and everything to do with my internal feelings.

I have tried reading books like the Mahabharata, Ramayana, Bhagavad Gita. I have read the Bible and listened to spiritual podcasts and mantras. I’ve tried working out, getting outside in nature, seeing the sunrise and sunset. None of these things in themselves, individually, “solves the problem.”

I often fear that by trying so hard to solve the problem, I will end up with an even deeper sense of disappointment in myself. “I didn’t try” somehow sounds more “defensible” than “I tried and failed.” The first option, “I didn’t try,” is a sovereign choice. “I tried and failed” means I am truly stuck in this prison of depression, because of my in-born nature. “Trying and failing” almost sounds worse than never trying at all!

Tim Chalamet in ‘Beautiful Boy’ (2018) portrays a handsome meth addict.

But this is a “moral” distinction. Think of a really handsome meth addict. He was born with all the good qualities: shapely eyes, a strong jaw line, perfect skin, a proportionate nose, full and round lips, intelligence, charm, charisma, full and luscious hair, natural athleticism, all of the things we love! Sure, he has thrown his life away by smoking meth, but doesn’t this tragedy make us love him even more?

Office Space, 1999.

On the other hand, consider the bugmen of Office Space (1999). They made all the right decisions: went to college, got a good job, a wife, never miss a day, hire a personal trainer, have a skincare routine… But their face is all messed up. Despite dialing in their diet, their skin fluctuates between eczema and acne. Even plastic surgery and steroids can’t fix their physique. They are naturally awkward, and despite reading books on “How to Win Friends,” still have this monotonous, school-shooter style of communication. They can’t figure out how to fix themselves, and it enrages them on a very deep level. Why is life so cruel and unfair? Why even bother?

Most people do not have such a stark contrast between effort and natural ability. In fact, I have known many awkward and ugly people who, through effort alone, live very happy and satisfied lives. The fear of being a “born loser” who “embarrasses himself” by being a “try-hard” is irrational and, again, a “moral distinction.” It is “immoral” to try to push above your station in life. It is “immoral” to embarrass yourself. I use the term moral in a way that is unrecognizable from the colloquial definition. What does any of this have to do with morality?

what is morality?

Morality, in its most basic sense, is not about helping people or being charitable. It is only about being a “good person.” Christianity has emphasized one particular vision of morality, and it has been so influential and successful (with parallels in Judaism and Islam) that it is all we think of when it comes to morality. But there is an alternative view of morality which has nothing to do with how helpful, kind, or generous you are.

This alternative form of morality has to do with how excellent you are. Sometimes it is referred to as “capitalist morality” — being rich enough, having a big enough house, having enough stuff, having a good enough job, having a hot enough wife — being materialistic. Yet these morals weren’t invented by “modern” western civilization, but stretch back to the Olympic games and the writings of Pindar, where to be “good” is to be “the best.”

These considerations are “moral” because they are relativistic and comparative with one’s communal surroundings. In the age of atomized internet dwelling, one’s “community” becomes the top posts on Instagram. In comparison to that, most of us fall short. “I suck” is the natural reaction to the proliferation of beautiful, strong, athletic, popular, and charismatic people on social media. “And therefore, I deserve to be unhappy.” This is a moral judgment.

depression as a religion.

On the one hand, doubt and skepticism is a huge ally of depression. Any suggestion is shot down, because “that probably won’t work.” On the other hand, depression is built up as an extremely fragile set of beliefs, upholding a very twisted and perverted moral code. “Because I’m not the best, I deserve to be depressed.” This is self defeating and self-imprisoning. It is a belief system that, under the slightest scrutiny, would fall apart. Yet when I feel depressed, I feel the greatest sense of faith in this system.

Faith: that is the benefit of depression. The belief that nothing is possible, everything is hopeless… This provides me with a great deal of certainty and stability in a scary and unpredictable world. Religious fanatics declare their absolute certainty in heaven and hell, Gods and demons. I declare my absolute certainty in “I suck.” “I suck” is the God that I worship, day and night, never relenting in my faith that he is the way, the truth, and the life.

The three fundamentals for me are sun, socialization, and exercise. When I am depressed, if I can introduce one or two of these, I will likely have a clearer mind to understand what is good, and to desire what is good. Every creature is inborn with will and desire, but through fear of pain this diminishes.

I don’t know the way. My intuition hasn’t shown me the way. If I follow my intuition, I will remain stuck. Darkness is reached through an intuition bent toward darkness. To truly change, I must suspend my intuition as my highest authority.

A broken intuition cannot heal itself — it requires external help. When something seems useless, irrelevant, crazy or stupid, this “seeming” comes from intuition. That doesn’t mean I should act crazy in the abstract. Rather, I should find an external sense of sanity to guide me, contrary to my inner feelings. This is faith in a higher power. This is the path to healing and forgiveness. This is the path to love and light out of the darkness.

These things seem superficial, “too simple,” trite, and tired to the cynical mind. This mind must submit to sacrifice. I want a miracle. I want that infinite, eternal moment of perfection, when we gain absolute faith and certainty in our war, our cause, our direction — something worth dying for, a sign from heaven. This experience is ancient and possible through complete submission to the true purification of man, the higher man, the higher self. The entire body and mind must be bent by the will toward real action.

I ask, “who is this perfect man? What is this highest beauty? What is worth dying for?”

Here is an experiment: