Do I have schizotypal personality disorder?

let's find out together

This article by Robert Graboyes disturbs me. But it’s not because the author is bad, or immoral, or because I wish anything against him. It disturbs me because I spend much of my day mourning. I mourn the loss of my physical health; I mourn the loss of romance; I mourn the loss of time, relationships, and friendships. I mourn the loss of opportunities... I spend a lot of time mourning.

Hearing Robert suffer a greater loss, and overcome it, activates some resistance in me. I am jealous, indignant, and guilty. I begin to wonder what my life would be like if I simply let go of things, like people always tell me to do. And this leads to a new cycle of mourning — was I born with a malfunctioning brain, or did some unfortunate series of events make me this way?

When I refer to “spending the day,” I am not referring to sheer time. In the measure of minutes, I don’t spend a lot of *time* mourning. But energetically, a few seconds of regret, or maybe compulsively thinking about “what could have been” while on a 15 minute drive, waking up in the morning to mourn, lying in bed at night while mourning... This activity might represent a small slice of time, but it occupies a huge energetic cost in my life.

I recently wrote an article on Sam Kriss, and Reid suggested that I seek professional help. I asked him if he was bullying me, and he said no: he is trying to give me useful advice.

Schizotypy sounds like schizophrenia. But I have no visual or auditory hallucinations. I am not excessively paranoid, although that’s a bit subjective. Rather than get mad at Reid, I’ve decided to take the time to learn about schizotypy and take an online schizotypy test. You can take it with me here.

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Let’s get started:

I often find special meaning in sunsets, in the ocean, and in Substack articles. I do not watch TV or read the newspaper.

I avoid parties because they are loud and people tend to ignore me, and I hate social rejection. However, I spend 50% of my life in cafes and the gym, where dozens of people are around me. So no, I don’t think a large quantity of people upsets me in itself.